Hello, I hope every one’s day went well today.  I myself am OK right now.  But, I was pretty heated a few days ago..son’s father drama. 

You see our son is 11.  I’ve known his dad (who I’ll call Cecil–not his real name) for over 12 years now.  He’s Nigerian.  I’m American.  Cultural differences aside there’s a way to talk to a woman.  Especially when it’s a woman who’s let him know by actions and words that she’ll do whatever she can  business wise to help him succeed.  Although we’re not in a romantic relationship that is my belief–so much more since I’m not attached.  It’s called helping our own by whatever means necessary.  By Cecil succeeding, my son is succeeding and I’m succeeding.  Or so I thought.  I’ve done things for him like running errands when he’s not in the country and/or placing business phone calls.  Cecil has for the most part always taken care of his son financially.  He’s helped me financially and still will do now.  But, I’m not talking about finances.  I’m referring to male-female relationships/communication.  I’m talking about basic kindness.  We got into a heated discussion and he said some very nasty things to me.  My part in it?  I asked him calmly if he would look at me while we talked.  His reaction: yelling– ‘tha’ts offensive to me. It’s an insult.  We don’t eyeball each other in our culture!’ 

Well, he’s been in America for over 20 years and I’m sure he adapts when it’s to his advantage.

We’ve  talked about politics, business (one of my favorite subjects), local news, entertainers/athletes.  Of course we also discuss our son and finances.  One of the things he said this particular evening in a nasty tone: ‘all you do is ask questions.  Since forever you don’t ever start a converstion.  You just ask questions.’   We have regular full length conversations–just never on a personal level.

We had had an earlier hot talk that day about the way I asked for his help.  He stated that not only did I not ask it in the correct manner, but I brought something up about what I did for him in the past.  I agree and understand now why I should not have done that.  He made a good point that when you do something for someone out of the goodness of your heart, then you don’t bring it up in their face later.  If it’s truly from your heart, then it’’s just a done deal.  I acknowlged that with him.  Later that evening I dared to ask what characteristics of mine–good and bad he saw in me.  His response: ‘I’m not answering that question.  That’s private.’  How much more private can you get when the talk is between just he and I?  I thought we were at least friends.  Emotionally he’s not been there for me.  He’s gotten better, but in the long run he’s a closed shop.  I told him that I was trying to hold an intimate conversation.  He told me that there was nothing intimate about the conversation.  I said I was attempting to reveal to him some things about me that I don’t talk to others about.  His response: ‘You expect me to be appreciative or grateful because you’re opening up like you’re doing something great.’  Nothing I said was good to him that evening.  I was near tears by the time I stopped talking to him. 

I believe that no matter the cultural differences that inherently there’s somthing called respect for another person in our consciousness.  Love for another person.  Understanding for another person.  The spirit of grace.  I believe Cecil’s is buried deep in his soul under a lot of mud.  He’s somewhat emotionally dysfunctional.  I know that there’s a difference in how men and women think.  I have not been in a long term relationship most of my adult life and I’m still learning and listening to wise long-term married women about male/female communication.  But I do have common sense.  I have compassion and a lot of love in me. Cecil’s outburst that evening was undeserving and just plain evil spirited. 

My source has always been Jesus.  He’s NEVER let me down.  He’s my Lord and Savior.  God has my back and I know what He has done, what He is doing and what He will do.   I’m done trying to get personal with a buried soul. 

In the meantime I’ll continue to let my light shine!

Update:

The situation above took place on a Thursday.  I stayed prayerful, but my spirit was still troubled.  I was truly hurt at Cecil’s belittling behavior.  On Friday I got a cell text message around 6 a.m. from a number I don’t know.  It said:   Have a great Friday!  Be safe be blessed! 

Now getting an unknown insprirational text may not be that uncommon, but I don’t get them very often.  I did not think it was coincidental.  I talked with one of my sisters-in-Christ about the situation.  She can get really deep in the Word.  And she tells me the real deal about myself–good and not so pleasant.  By the time I got off of the phone with her on Saturday it was clear that this was a spiritual battle.  I already knew that, but I had to acknowledge Cecil’s spirit(s) of darkness versus my Spirit of light.  And I can’t be friends with darkness.  God had already revealed to me that the battle’s not mine, but his.  Read 1 Samuel 17 45:47.  Cecil came with a sharp tongue and distressed spirit.  I came in the name of the Lord of hosts.  Also read 1 Samuel 18.  David still performed kindly and excellently for Saul even though Saul was trying to kill him.  Saul became even more afraid of David because he knew the Lord was with David. 

I had to work Sunday so I missed service.  I got a  text message on Sunday afternoon from someone I rarely get messages from.  We don’t communicate on a social level mainly because she’s much younger than I and we don’t travel in the same circle.  I had not talked to her in awhile.  The message:  the enemy wants to blind your mind, steal your identity and finally kill your authority in Christ so we can deny our purpose, but I prayed for you.  Matthew 16:26.  I read that scripture: ²⁶ For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

My God!!!  While Cecil is attempting to gain the material things of this world he has lost his soul.  I told Cecil that same day that it was unfortunate that we could not be friends.  Seeing that he is the father of my son.  I’ve also talked about God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit with him.  He’s truly lost.  I knew that also.  Being that he’s my son’s father I feel that I must continue to at least pray for him to turn his life over to Christ.  He was raised a Christian and even required to read the Bible in school.  His late father was called a Pastor so Cecil knows the words of the Bible.  Unfortunately he makes no attempt at living it.  Doesn’t even believe a lot of what’s in the Bible.

I thank God for my victory.  I thank God for the angels who help support me.  I truly KNOW that I’m victorious through Christ that dwells in me!

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If you haven’t already read my ‘About’ page, then please do.  Despite the statistics do we still dare to believe in marrying an American man within our race — a black man?  As many black single women all over the United States of America cling to this hope are we being realistic?  I am of the belief that the world as a whole is out of order.  That includes black, white, brown or yellow people.  And it’s amplified in the black community.  You’ve heard it before: the odds are against black single women.  The ratio of black women to black men can be anywhere from 5:1 and as high as 20:1.  Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.  Look at the crowd when you go to social events whether it is in the club or church.  I believe that God can do anything.  He can restore order, but I did not believe He’d do it in my lifetime.  I did not believe he would bring me MY African American husband in my lifetime. 

But I had to repent.  I had to ask God to forgive me for my unbelief.  Because God brought to my remembrance the power of belief.  I have to continue to believe that God has my husband already looking for me.  One of the options I’ve had to open my mind to is that my future husband may not be black, he may not be even be American.  The key is to believe!  And if we collectively believe (there’s power when 2 or more come together and agree), then there’s that much more positive energy emanating from us and being drawn to us.

Yes, I’m passionate about this.  It was NOT intended for us to be alone.  It’s in our DNA to want to mate: date, marry and multiply.  In my 30s and 40s I was extremely frustrated because I WANTED A HUSBAND SOOOOOOOOOO Bad.  You see I did not and still don’t want just anybody.  I COULD be with somebody, but really.  Who has been available?   There’s Jim the player (because he can).  There’s John the player who’s also married.  There’s Steve who’s really interested in John.  And there are a whole lot of single black CEOs, lawyers, doctors, athletes, accountants and business entrepreneurs—in prison.  That’s a different post.

I’ve calmed down a great deal.  I realize that it’s not my fault I’m without a mate.  Most importantly–I’m basically happy.  I will NOT sleep with a man just for the sake of having sex.  I will NOT endure self inflicted pain behind some man who does not have me in his best interest.  You know what I mean.  You’re in a relationship, but you also know that he’s just not that into you.  Or you KNOW that he’s seeing someone else.  Been there, done that.  I haven’t been there often because I value what I have in me.  The man who ends up with me has a good lady.  I’m worthy of the best.  And so are many of you.  My man will have a STRONG desire to be with me beyond the bedroom.  I want a man who knows what family means.  Someone who wants to build a strong foundation spiritually, financially and romantically.  Someone who knows what life is truly about.  Someone who is willing to work at keeping our union strong—through the highs and the lows. He’s out there—my man.  Black single women don’t give up.  He’ out there—your man! 

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This was written on June 16.  I decided to leave it. 

Yes, I’ve had one of those days.  My birthday is approaching: June 22.  I’m not caught up on my age.  Actually I”ll be happy to see 51!  The problem is I want to just go hang out.  I have no place in particular in mind–I just don’t want to be with a ‘girl’.  I’d like to be with a male.  Doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship.  Just not one of the ‘girls’ again.  I”m tired of that!  Started feeling a little down.  Not about money (although I could use A LOT more of that).  Not about my job.  Not about having no husband–well actually that’s not true because my hormones have been kicking in the last couple of weeks especially today.    But not so much the husband–just to be able to celebrate my birthday with a male friend. 

I did ask a guy I’ve known for over a year and he was receptive.  Then he tells me he may not be able to go.  He gave me what sounds like a legit reason and I’m not mad.  Just wish I had more options.

Update…my guy friend DID take me out to lunch on my B’day.  That was nice. 

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