The Tongue Reveals The Mind

OK.  I was reading Essence recently.  There’s an article on a group discussion among 5 black men with a black woman interviewer.   The age range of the group is from early 20s to late 30s.  

You see our son is 11.  I’ve known his dad (who I’ll call Cecil–not his real name) for over 12 years now.  He’s Nigerian.  I’m American.  Cultural differences aside there’s a way to talk to a woman.  Especially when it’s a woman who’s let him know by actions and words that she’ll do whatever she can  business wise to help him succeed.  Although we’re not in a romantic relationship that is my belief–so much more since I’m not attached.  It’s called helping our own by whatever means necessary.  By Cecil succeeding, my son is succeeding and I’m succeeding.  Or so I thought.  I’ve done things for him like running errands when he’s not in the country and/or placing business phone calls.  Cecil has for the most part always taken care of his son financially.  He’s helped me financially and still will do now.  But, I’m not talking about finances.  I’m referring to male-female relationships/communication.  I’m talking about basic kindness.  We got into a heated discussion and he said some very nasty things to me.  My part in it?  I asked him calmly if he would look at me while we talked.  His reaction: yelling– ‘tha’ts offensive to me. It’s an insult.  We don’t eyeball each other in our culture!’ 

Well, he’s been in America for over 20 years and I’m sure he adapts when it’s to his advantage.

We’ve  talked about politics, business (one of my favorite subjects), local news, entertainers/athletes.  Of course we also discuss our son and finances.  One of the things he said this particular evening in a nasty tone: ‘all you do is ask questions.  Since forever you don’t ever start a converstion.  You just ask questions.’   We have regular full length conversations–just never on a personal level.

We had had an earlier hot talk that day about the way I asked for his help.  He stated that not only did I not ask it in the correct manner, but I brought something up about what I did for him in the past.  I agree and understand now why I should not have done that.  He made a good point that when you do something for someone out of the goodness of your heart, then you don’t bring it up in their face later.  If it’s truly from your heart, then it’’s just a done deal.  I acknowlged that with him.  Later that evening I dared to ask what characteristics of mine–good and bad he saw in me.  His response: ‘I’m not answering that question.  That’s private.’  How much more private can you get when the talk is between just he and I?  I thought we were at least friends.  Emotionally he’s not been there for me.  He’s gotten better, but in the long run he’s a closed shop.  I told him that I was trying to hold an intimate conversation.  He told me that there was nothing intimate about the conversation.  I said I was attempting to reveal to him some things about me that I don’t talk to others about.  His response: ‘You expect me to be appreciative or grateful because you’re opening up like you’re doing something great.’  Nothing I said was good to him that evening.  I was near tears by the time I stopped talking to him. 

I believe that no matter the cultural differences that inherently there’s somthing called respect for another person in our consciousness.  Love for another person.  Understanding for another person.  The spirit of grace.  I believe Cecil’s is buried deep in his soul under a lot of mud.  He’s somewhat emotionally dysfunctional.  I know that there’s a difference in how men and women think.  I have not been in a long term relationship most of my adult life and I’m still learning and listening to wise long-term married women about male/female communication.  But I do have common sense.  I have compassion and a lot of love in me. Cecil’s outburst that evening was undeserving and just plain evil spirited. 

My source has always been Jesus.  He’s NEVER let me down.  He’s my Lord and Savior.  God has my back and I know what He has done, what He is doing and what He will do.   I’m done trying to get personal with a buried soul. 

In the meantime I’ll continue to let my light shine!

Update:

The situation above took place on a Thursday.  I stayed prayerful, but my spirit was still troubled.  I was truly hurt at Cecil’s belittling behavior.  On Friday I got a cell text message around 6 a.m. from a number I don’t know.  It said:   Have a great Friday!  Be safe be blessed! 

Now getting an unknown insprirational text may not be that uncommon, but I don’t get them very often.  I did not think it was coincidental.  I talked with one of my sisters-in-Christ about the situation.  She can get really deep in the Word.  And she tells me the real deal about myself–good and not so pleasant.  By the time I got off of the phone with her on Saturday it was clear that this was a spiritual battle.  I already knew that, but I had to acknowledge Cecil’s spirit(s) of darkness versus my Spirit of light.  And I can’t be friends with darkness.  God had already revealed to me that the battle’s not mine, but his.  Read 1 Samuel 17 45:47.  Cecil came with a sharp tongue and distressed spirit.  I came in the name of the Lord of hosts.  Also read 1 Samuel 18.  David still performed kindly and excellently for Saul even though Saul was trying to kill him.  Saul became even more afraid of David because he knew the Lord was with David. 

I had to work Sunday so I missed service.  I got a  text message on Sunday afternoon from someone I rarely get messages from.  We don’t communicate on a social level mainly because she’s much younger than I and we don’t travel in the same circle.  I had not talked to her in awhile.  The message:  the enemy wants to blind your mind, steal your identity and finally kill your authority in Christ so we can deny our purpose, but I prayed for you.  Matthew 16:26.  I read that scripture: ²⁶ For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

My God!!!  While Cecil is attempting to gain the material things of this world he has lost his soul.  I told Cecil that same day that it was unfortunate that we could not be friends.  Seeing that he is the father of my son.  I’ve also talked about God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit with him.  He’s truly lost.  I knew that also.  Being that he’s my son’s father I feel that I must continue to at least pray for him to turn his life over to Christ.  He was raised a Christian and even required to read the Bible in school.  His late father was called a Pastor so Cecil knows the words of the Bible.  Unfortunately he makes no attempt at living it.  Doesn’t even believe a lot of what’s in the Bible.

I thank God for my victory.  I thank God for the angels who help support me.  I truly KNOW that I’m victorious through Christ that dwells in me!

If you’d like to comment.  Just click on the ‘Post Title in Blue’  above this post.

Whether you and I and a few others will renew the world some day remains to be seen. But within ourselves we must renew it each day.

-Herman Hesse

An exceptional site regarding raising black boys in America.  I will be referencing Gillis Triplett often.

Exceptional Boys

7 Steps To Raising Exceptional African American Boys

There are some distinct steps that will place us on the path to raising exceptional African American boys. As we take these steps, we will instill in them purpose, confidence and a sure course of direction for their future. This rarely traveled path, once taken, will produce a mass number of boys who metamorphose right before our very eyes, into men who exemplify true manhood!

1. Insure That They Participate in Rites of Passage
One of the conspicuously missing elements in our families, communities and churches is Rites of Passage for Boys. For those of you who don’t know what a rites of passage is, I’ll define it by providing you with these appropriate illustrations.

Boot Camp is the rites of passage into the US Armed Forces. If a person fails boot camp, they are not allowed to serve in the military. The Bar Exam is the rites of passage to legally practice law in the USA. If a person fails the bar exam they are not allowed to practice law. Law school not only prepares them for the strenuous and intimidating bar exam, it helps ready them for a career in law.

One of the prime reasons men freeze or fail when it comes to manhood is because, truthfully, they don’t know what to do! False bravado and embarrassment keeps them from admitting their lack of knowledge. Operating under the same concept as law school and boot camp, Rites of Passage for Boys prepares boys for manhood. By the time they graduate, they will have addressed every facet of being a man they will face in adult life. Backed by indepth training, they enter into manhood tempered, tested, tuned and confident!

2. Insure That They Have Proper Male Role Models
Like sponges, boys absorb and then mimic what they see, hear and read. It stands to reason, we don’t want them mimicking the wrong sources. If they have no proper male role models to emulate, be forewarned; boys will mirror the next closest thing! Whether it is femininity, immature or riotous peers or Black men who are suffering from a male identity crisis. One way or the other, they are going to have role models. The question is, “What type?”

Will their role models cause them to be perplexed about manhood? Will their role models indoctrinate them to be effeminate, passive, immoral or abusive males? Will their role models induce them to use and abuse the female gender or become criminals or thugs? Will their role models influence them to use offensive language, mock God, shun marriage, be prone to violence or engage in homosexuality?

Mature parents who truly care about their son’s future will not only ask those tough questions. They will examine and critique their son’s role models to insure that they are being shepherded in the right direction.

Proper male role models perform critical assignments. They are a boy’s unequaled barrier and foremost guide. As barriers, they help boys identify and reject false bravado. As guides, they lead boys through the rough terrains of negative forces and societal pressures and safely navigate them into secure male identities and genuine masculinity.

Proper male role models teach by example what manhood entails. They instill in boys: courage, chivalry and bravery and set the tone for them on other crucial aspects of manhood such as maintaining a healthy male ego, being protectors, cultivators and providers. It’s up to us to insure that our sons have proper male role models!

3. Instill In Them a Respect For Their Fellow Man
To respect means: to show deferential regard for; to avoid violation of or interference with; the state of being regarded with honor or esteem; having an appreciation for. Boys must learn at an early age to respect their elders, women, authority, other people’s property and the law.

Words of respect such as, “Yes sir, yes ma’am, no sir, no ma’am, excuse me sir or ma’am, please and thank you,” must be instilled in boys as part of their lifetime code of conduct. If they are not taught to be respectful, by virtue of default, they will gravitate towards being disrespectful. Being infused with respect molds them into becoming chivalrous, honorable men of integrity.

I will display the remaining steps of this article in the next post. 

Have an opinion about this article? We want to hear it!

Things You Need to Know About Eating Healthy

 

Shape Magazine sets the record straight on what fills you up and what trims you down.

 

Know this: It’s not the fat in foods that makes you feel full.
That greasy cheeseburger will leave you feeling full all day, so it’s worth the splurge, right? Wrong! Fat is the slowest food component to clear the stomach, so for years it was assumed that fatty foods slowed digestion and kept you feeling full longer. Recent research proves the proportion of sugar and fat has little or no differences in satiety ratings.

In fact, protein tends to leave people feeling more satisfied than either carbs or fat. The problem with fat is that it has more than twice the calories of protein or carbs.

 

To eat more and weigh less, reach for foods high in fiber, like fruits and veggies and whole grains. Fiber and whole grains affect feelings of fullness and satisfaction. We don’t know exactly why, but fiber and whole grains could affect the hormones that send the signal to your brain that you’ve had enough to eat.

 

Even if you toss the freshest, most wholesome foods into your cart, you may be storing and preparing them in ways that rob them (and your body) of the very nutrients you’re seeking. Here are nine typical kitchen blunders to avoid.

Mistake #1: Produce overload
Sure, making one big grocery run at the start of the week seems like a no-fail way to get your five a day. But the vitamins and minerals in fruits and vegetables begin to diminish the moment they’re harvested, meaning the longer you store produce, the fewer nutrients it will contain. After about a week in the fridge, for example, spinach retains just half of its folate and around 60 percent of its lutein (an antioxidant associated with healthy eyes). Broccoli loses about 62 percent of its flavonoids (antioxidant compounds that help ward off cancer and heart disease ) within 10 days.

 

Solution: Buy smaller batches at least twice a week. If you can’t shop every few days, go froze. These fruits and veggies are harvested at their peak and are flash-frozen immediately. Because the produce isn’t exposed to oxygen, the nutrients stay stable for a year, according to researchers at the University of California, Davis. Just be sure to avoid frozen products packed in sauces or syrups. These can mean extra calories from fat or sugar, and may be high in sodium as well.

Mistake #2: You’re stashing foods in see-through containers
Milk is rich in the B vitamin riboflavin, but when exposed to light, a chemical reaction is kicked off that reduces the vitamin’s potency, according to researchers from Ghent University in Belgium. Other nutrients, such as amino acids (the building blocks of protein) and vitamins A, C, D, and E, are also affected. And because lowfat and nonfat milk varieties are thinner than whole milk, light can penetrate them more easily. This process, known as photooxidation, can change the flavor of the milk and create disease-causing free radicals. Since grain products (especially whole grains) are also high in riboflavin, they too are susceptible to this breakdown of nutrients and production of free radicals.

Solution: If you’re still buying your milk in clear plastic jugs, consider switching to cardboard cartons. And avoid storing dry goods like pasta, rice, and cereals in clear containers on your countertop. Instead, keep them in their original boxes or in opaque containers and stash them in your kitchen cabinets, where they’ll be shielded from light.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pray

I recognize some of the people, places and/or things that my ancestors/relatives have allowed to rob us of our inheritence.  The past is just that–the past, behind me, gone.  I know what lessons to keep and what mistakes to throw away.  This does not mean that I will never make a mistake again.  It means that when I do fall to acknowledge it quicky, make adjustments that are within my contol and to move forward, move up and last but not least–move on!  I will use my God given abilities to assist in raising my 2 sons to be productive members of society.  High on this list of abilities is prayer. 

Psalm 66:

 ¹⁶ Come and listen, all you who fear God;
       let me tell you what he has done for me.

 ¹⁷ I cried out to him with my mouth;
       his praise was on my tongue.

 ¹⁸ If I had cherished sin in my heart,
       the Lord would not have listened;

 ¹⁹ but God has surely listened
       and heard my voice in prayer.

 ²⁰ Praise be to God,
       who has not rejected my prayer
       or withheld his love from me!

If you haven’t already read my ‘About’ page, then please do.  Despite the statistics do we still dare to believe in marrying an American man within our race — a black man?  As many black single women all over the United States of America cling to this hope are we being realistic?  I am of the belief that the world as a whole is out of order.  That includes black, white, brown or yellow people.  And it’s amplified in the black community.  You’ve heard it before: the odds are against black single women.  The ratio of black women to black men can be anywhere from 5:1 and as high as 20:1.  Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.  Look at the crowd when you go to social events whether it is in the club or church.  I believe that God can do anything.  He can restore order, but I did not believe He’d do it in my lifetime.  I did not believe he would bring me MY African American husband in my lifetime. 

But I had to repent.  I had to ask God to forgive me for my unbelief.  Because God brought to my remembrance the power of belief.  I have to continue to believe that God has my husband already looking for me.  One of the options I’ve had to open my mind to is that my future husband may not be black, he may not be even be American.  The key is to believe!  And if we collectively believe (there’s power when 2 or more come together and agree), then there’s that much more positive energy emanating from us and being drawn to us.

Yes, I’m passionate about this.  It was NOT intended for us to be alone.  It’s in our DNA to want to mate: date, marry and multiply.  In my 30s and 40s I was extremely frustrated because I WANTED A HUSBAND SOOOOOOOOOO Bad.  You see I did not and still don’t want just anybody.  I COULD be with somebody, but really.  Who has been available?   There’s Jim the player (because he can).  There’s John the player who’s also married.  There’s Steve who’s really interested in John.  And there are a whole lot of single black CEOs, lawyers, doctors, athletes, accountants and business entrepreneurs—in prison.  That’s a different post.

I’ve calmed down a great deal.  I realize that it’s not my fault I’m without a mate.  Most importantly–I’m basically happy.  I will NOT sleep with a man just for the sake of having sex.  I will NOT endure self inflicted pain behind some man who does not have me in his best interest.  You know what I mean.  You’re in a relationship, but you also know that he’s just not that into you.  Or you KNOW that he’s seeing someone else.  Been there, done that.  I haven’t been there often because I value what I have in me.  The man who ends up with me has a good lady.  I’m worthy of the best.  And so are many of you.  My man will have a STRONG desire to be with me beyond the bedroom.  I want a man who knows what family means.  Someone who wants to build a strong foundation spiritually, financially and romantically.  Someone who knows what life is truly about.  Someone who is willing to work at keeping our union strong—through the highs and the lows. He’s out there—my man.  Black single women don’t give up.  He’ out there—your man! 

If you’d like to comment.  Just click on the ‘Post Title in Blue’  above this post.

Margaret Mead

…make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ (2 Peter 1:6-8 TNIV).

He graduated from high school in 2005.  Started a 2-year college  January 2006.  It’s July 2009 and he’s not finished.  He had a scholarship and lost it.  Got student loans and now they don’t want to give him anything.  Says he doesn’t want to go back to school.  “It’s not for him”.  He’s into acting.  I’ve supported him in his field.  He has a managing team, been in plays, commercials, independent films and wrote, produced and starred in a short film.  But I’ve always told him that he needs an education.  He works at a gas station/store chain 3-4 days a week making about $8/hour.  I co-signed for his car.  His cell phone is on my account.  He rents a room in a house I own with utilities, cable, washer/dryer included.   Believe me, he can’t pay anyone else what he pays me and live.  I did all this so he could concentrate on his education.

He needs to struggle and realize he is a black man with a high school diploma and that won’t get him very far.  All he sees are “stars”.  Well, I gave him an ultimatum.  Go to school the best way he can, finish his 2-year degree or get out of the house immediately.  I’m cutting the cell and making him file for his own car loan so I can get my name removed.  I’m not just blowing hot air.  He’s gotta go.  He’s 23, but 16 mentally.  Is it my fault?  Is the fact that he’s had no father figure around the problem?

What?

Michael and me

I was watching Chris Rock’s latest stand up comedy and couldn’t help but roll my eyes at his views on interracial dating – black and white dating to be precise. And after hearing what he had to say, I realized for as long as black and white dating exists, black women and white men will always be at each other’s necks especially when a white man dates a black woman and when a black man dates a white woman.

Back to Chris Rock: In his view, all black men do when they date white women is exercising an option. And black women get upset by this. He says the real reason black women get angry is because they are not attracted to white men hence cant exercise their option. They will sleep with ‘pretty white boys’ when in real sense, they aren’t attracted to white men in general.

The blame games, the justifications and the prejudiced remarks never end when black and white dating is on the table. It’s like a constant tug-of-war between black men and black women. And over what …the other groups’ dating preferences? When black women opt for interracial dating, black men say they do it out of desperation. And Chris Rock’s explanation suggests so. It’s like black and white dating is a last resort for the black woman.

People date interracially as a matter of choice or preference. And for those who happened to stumble onto interracial dating, I believe it’s because they stumbled upon a gem … someone worth taking the risk of being stared at and possibly being rejected by family over.

Maybe Chris Rock is right. Maybe black women need to broaden they options and do more of black and white dating or date interracially in general. But no one should mistake this for desperation because its not. Everyone deserves to be loved and when you meet the one who sweeps you off your feet, instead of worrying about what the men or women of your race will think of it, act on your love impulse.

This getting worked up over black and white dating isn’t necessary coz while giving yourself peptic ulcers trying to come up with the most prejudicial reasoning for interracial dating, someone else’s peptic ulcers that were caused by years of loneliness are getting healed by interracial love which is as real as any other.